I Am Not an Angry Black Man

WHY I WRITE

I write because I know I'm not the only one feeling the way that I do. I write because “I’m not Black enough.” I write because I love the outdoors. I write because our voices deserve to be heard.

I am a Black man in the United States. That means my skin tells a story that is different from the one my mind writes. It carries the weight of your assumptions, of your prejudice, of your apathy, of your low expectations. So maybe you can understand why I prefer my own.

I honestly don't even know why the hell I even write anymore. I'm a Black man in Trump’s America. In the same America where kids are taken away from their mothers and their mothers are deported thousands of miles away. In an America where it’s totally acceptable for White supremacists to run for political office. I live in Portland where I see Black Lives Matter signs on a regular basis here. This sign doesn't just let me know that I have allies, it also reminds me that I'm still not totally accepted in America. These are the realities I face as a Black climber. So I write. I write so that our voices can be heard. I write because the outdoors has provided such a reprieve from the harsh “reality” of being Black in America. I write because I want other people of color to see and feel that as well. I write so that other people in the outdoor community can hear and have a better understanding of what it means to be a person of color in the outdoors. So, no I can’t just shut up and climb.

Lately I have found myself having more internal dialogue regarding the discussion of diversity in the climbing world as well as the outdoors. My end goal is to change the dialogue currently taking place within the outdoor communities as well as communities of people of color and to encourage more people of color to try the sport of climbing. The question I’ve been struggling with is, “how can I point out the issues that the outdoor community is currently facing without coming off as the “angry black man?” Add my passion for climbing as well as my passion for diversity and inclusion into the mix and it’s hard not to get fired up.

My fear when writing or even talking about diversity in climbing is that I will find myself emotionally charged, respond to something poorly and have it taken the wrong way. I'm not saying I'm perfect or that I have perfect ideas, but when passion is involved it is easy sometimes to find myself saying things without fully processing my thoughts. I hate the idea of always attempting to be politically correct, but unfortunately these days, we do have to attempt to balance that thin line of telling it how it is and not offending people. We should be constantly asking ourselves how do I get my message across without giving offense while also advocating for the underserved and underrepresented. Why is that I have to even worry about this?

Recently I found myself in a conversation via Instagram with a non-POC ally. She posted to her story about how white people should have POC friends. My instant response was, “so does it then make it any better to pursue Black friends? To me it just ends up being like Pokemon…gotta catch em all. I do want you to know I'm not coming after you, but I have a legitimate question. How does a White person have Black friends without actively seeking them out if they are not in the spaces any Black people live in? Do you just see a Black person at the crag (outdoor climbing wall) and just go talk to them because they are Black?” She gave a great response stating, “ If I (and White people) were genuinely valuing people of color we wouldn't think of it in that way. We would be approaching POC just as we do White people. And if POC are not at someone's work, and are not in the space they take up, those White people need to ask themselves why have they concocted a reality of Whiteness so absent of POC?

Initially I wanted to react to her response, but I caught myself. I could not help but think how crazy it is that she could not see that going into communities or putting yourself in situations were POC might be just for the sake of being around more POC was an issue. Then I took a moment and realized that it really does come down to your intentions. I realized the reason we travel is to experience other cultures. I honestly have been thinking over this conversation and what the right answer is and can say that I have yet to come up with one.

My goal in writing and doing outreach is to reach as many people as possible. To do so I have to consider my every action and word. We live in a society that will scrutinize people for any mistakes and will look for ways to delegitimize any cause they disagree with. So I have to be hyper aware of the things I say and how I say them. One mistake can cause the entire fight a step in the wrong direction.

I found myself questioning why I'm even doing this, what are my motives, What am I even trying to get from this. Then everything changed. I went to Bishop for my birthday and while I was there I ran into this group from Austin, Texas. They were mostly people of color (POC) and when I walked past them I thought to myself how freaking cool is that, I’ve never seen so many POC climbers outside at one time. I had to meet them and get a photo with them. I found myself for the first time “Fangirling”. It was something I felt needed to be documented. So, I went up to talk to them and as I introduced myself. One of the girls said she knew who I was and that she was hoping to meet me while I was there. She stated she, “loved what I am doing”. Then later I got a message from another kid in that group and he said he “was just so excited to have met two other Black people at the crag”. Meeting those two put everything into perspective. The work that I’m trying to do, does matter and it matters how I approach these crucial conversations. I want/have to appeal to as many people as possible so that the message doesn't get written off, and so that more people will share and listen to the message. Getting more POC involved in climbing and in the outdoors is so important to me. I love being able to see so many different types of people out at the crag or boulder field.

I write because I have to.