Dating Outdoorsy People of Color

Photo credit: iStock

So you want to date an outdoorsy Person of Color? Let’s talk about whiteness for a moment.

Whiteness means benefiting from race without ever having to acknowledge that it exists. It means learning as a child not to talk about race and to express your discomfort at others’ racial identities by pretending that you “don’t see color.”

Whiteness is the impulse to talk over People of Color when they share their lived experiences. It’s the urge to center yourself in every conversation—even in situations that don’t concern you. It’s also the lens through which you see the world: other white people are fully formed individuals while People of Color are associated—in your head, at least—with racial stereotypes.

Whiteness is the standard for masculinity, femininity and gender nonconformity. As a result, you benefit from privilege that you struggle to even acknowledge. Despite that, your whiteness has always been there, shielding you from the negative consequences of your own actions, helping you get ahead and elevating you in a racial hierarchy that harms people who don’t look like you. It is the “Not all white people,” when in fact all white people benefit from white privilege—even if you face classism, or misogyny or queerphobia.

What a gift. What enormous undeserved power. What super unhelpful skills that society has ingrained in you since birth. But love is a funny thing. If love required perfect equality to flourish, heterosexual relationships wouldn’t exist, would they?

So what does it take to date an outdoorsy Person of Color? Maybe you found them, maybe they found you, but there’s chemistry—instant attraction—this is happening. So what do you do next?

Here are 11 scenarios to help you recognize patterns of behavior that are harmful to your partner or significant other. You can do better. You have to do better if you want to love a Person of Color. Because love is not a cure all for racism. It is not enough—that you love her; or him; or them. Loving a Person of Color requires that you first become aware of your whiteness and privilege as much as you are aware of your partner’s racial identity. So choose wisely.

1. Are You New Here?

There’s that moment in the parking lot after a long day of hitting the slopes with friends. You’re tired, starting to feel the chill in your sweat-soaked base-layers when, out of the corner of your eye, you spot a beautiful woman unzipping a high end snowboard out of an expensive-looking carrier bag. She’s maybe 5’4” and curvy with brown skin and long braids accessorized with shells and these little gold cuff things. She suddenly catches your eyes and smiles and your palms go instantly sweaty. Without stopping to think, you’re smiling back and saying: 

1. Is this your first time here? 

2. Wow, that’s a really nice board. It’s not something I would really recommend for beginners though

3. Love to see Black people out here. You all are welcome here

4. Nice board, do you come here often?

5. That looks heavy. Let me help you carry your gear, I insist

2. Batok Bae

You’ve been going to the same mostly white queer hiking meet-up for months now. The Saturday morning hike has a new trip-leader who you haven’t met before. They have dark eyes, tan skin and tattoos - intricate geometric patterns - winding around both forearms. You feel an instant attraction but you’re not sure what to say. Do you:

1. Introduce yourself and immediately ask “are those tribal tattoos?”

2. Say hello and mention how excited you are about the day’s hike

3. Ask them where they’re from and when they answer “Austin,” follow that up with “no, where are you really from?” 

4. Show them your tribal tattoos that you got last month on vacation in Hawaii

5. Try to guess their race. Get the whole group involved–it’s a fun ice breaker!

3. BLM/ACAB/LoveIsLove/NoTERFs 

You swipe right on a cute Black guy on a dating app. Your normal type is ‘white guys with golden retriever energy’ or ‘liberal guys who look like Republicans’, but you’re ready to branch out. This guy is super hot. He’s originally from Chicago. His profile is full of sport climbing pics from the New River Gorge. Omg, you just matched! He must’ve been really impressed by the BLM/ACAB/420/LoveIsLove/NoSWERFS/NoTERFs in your profile. 

You decide to message first, why not! It avoids the disappointment of having a really cute prospect slide into your DMs with a lackluster “hey” or a zero-effort “wyd.” Do you write:

1. So, funny story: you’re the first Black guy I’ve ever matched with!

2. Do you know [insert name of another Black climber]

3. I did two years with Teach for America in Chicago. It was an awesome experience [show him photos of kids from the South Side braiding your hair]

4. Love your climbing pics. I’m planning my first trip to the New in a few months. Any good places to stay?

5. [Send him an MLK quote]

“Loving a Person of Color requires that you first become aware of your whiteness and privilege as much as you are aware of your partner’s racial identity”

4. Not like other Latinas

You’ve been meaning to ask out a fellow volunteer at the outdoor nonprofit where you take “high-risk” Latinx kids on local hikes. She is curvy with light brown skin and big curly hair that falls halfway down her back. Not that you’re noticing or anything—you’re here to help the kids! Anyways, she seems amazing. She’s always super upbeat and positive. And she seems very outdoorsy. She talks a lot about hiking on the weekends, at least. Do you: 

1. Tell her she’s not like other Latinas you know

2. Ask her if she wants to brainstorm ideas for an upcoming event over coffee

3. Tell her about a nonprofit trip you did in the Dominican Republic a few years ago. Show her photos of kids

4. Ask what you can do to be a better ally. Ask specifically for an anti racism reading list

5. Brush off your high school Spanish. See if she understands

5. Liquid courage

Your friend introduces you to a guy who volunteers at a local methadone clinic, organizes trail cleanups, leads a local Asian hiking group and otherwise seems like a really amazing human being. He wears cuffed jeans, Doc Martens, multiple piercings, a middle part and he doesn’t sit in chairs—he drapes himself across them in a way that radiates pure bi/pan energy. So obviously you’re super nervous. The last time you volunteered for anything was for 4-H in your small all-white Midwestern town and you haven’t updated your normcore fit since freshman year of college. You look and feel very, very white but life is too short for you to not take risks. So you take a sip of your IPA for liquid courage and say:

1. I heard that you organize trail cleanups. Do you need any additional volunteers? 

2. My friend was telling me about your Asian hiking group. How do I join? 

3. My ex is Asian. You kind of look like him

4. Why does everything have to be about race? Can’t we just be human beings

5. I only date Asian guys, just so you know

“...being sexually or romantically attracted to a Person of Color doesn’t automatically make you a good person or a good partner—it doesn’t even make you anti-racist.”

6. Something racist happened today

Your Black partner is telling you a story about something racist that happened to them today at the climbing gym after work. Do you respond with:

1. Well they probably didn’t mean it that way

2. I think you’re overreacting

3. Wow, I’m so sorry babe. That sounds fucked up and incredibly frustrating

4. What’s for dinner? Should we order in?

5. Remind them that you’re Irish and the Irish are oppressed too

Photo credit: iStock

7. Guess who’s coming to dinner 

You and your partner are traveling back to your hometown so they can meet your white Hispanic family for the first time. You are barely through the door when your abuela makes a rude comment about your partner’s dark skin color. You freeze and so does your partner, who is Afro Latinx and speaks Spanish better than you do. Everything hinges on what happens next. Do you:

1. Glance at your partner to see if it bothered them. Hopefully they’re not sensitive

2. Set boundaries with your racist family members to prevent this from ever happening again

3. Embrace your abuelita and mention how good her cooking smells 

4. Exchange glances with your parents and say nothing

5. Squeeze your partner's hand and plaster a big fake smile on your face for the rest of your family

“Whiteness is the standard for masculinity, femininity & gender nonconformity.”

8. The cutest mixed babies

Your family members are a few drinks into your sister’s all-gender baby shower. You wish this is one area where she would be less inclusive. Just because you’re her brother doesn’t mean you need to do everything together. Then again, you’re not convinced that your shy, introverted girlfriend would’ve gone without you.

Your family always says offensive shit a few drinks into every family event although today they seem remarkably well-behaved. Your sister unwraps an expensive brand name stroller that your girlfriend chose for her off the registry. She turns to your girlfriend with outstretched arms and says, “Omg, thanks so much for the gift. I know McKenzie is going to love going on walks in her new stroller.” Your girlfriend smiles warmly and accepts the hug, even though she’s not a hugger. 

Suddenly your mother’s voice rings out from across the room. “You know what else McKenzie would love? An adorable little cousin to play with.” Your sister beams as if this is the most amazing suggestion she has ever heard. Someone else says, “Y’all are gonna make the cutest mixed babies,” and then the entire room takes up the cry. Fifteen different women in cold shoulder sweaters, side parts and skinny jeans are all telling her how lucky she is, and how adorable her mixed-race kids will be. Your girlfriend, who hates being the center of attention and who has no intention of having kids, is suddenly pale. Do you: 

1. Start lecturing a room full of slightly sauced women (your mom was a little too liberal with the Prosecco at the mimosa station) about why they shouldn’t fetishize mixed-race babies.

2. Make a mental note to thank your sister later for including your girlfriend 

3. Ask your girlfriend if she’d reconsider her stance on not having kids 

4. Take a deep breath and calmly remind everyone that today is your sister’s day. Ask your girlfriend to help you grab trash bags from the pantry to see if she’s okay or if she wants to leave. Talk to your family privately at a later time.

5. Remind your girlfriend that mixed babies are cute and algorithim friendly. You could probably start your own YouTube channel! So what’s the big deal?

9. That “hot Asian girl”

You’re relaxing around the campfire after a long day of paddling exploratory whitewater. You’re not really paying attention to the flow of conversation when you overhear someone referring to your partner as “that hot Asian girl.” When another member of your friend group points out that you two are dating, the individual apologizes and says “sorry man, I didn’t know she was your girlfriend.” The interaction rubbed you the wrong way and you’re not sure why. It finally occurs to you that none of your other friends are ever referred to as “that white guy.” People may refer to them by their special interests, the ”floppy haired gamer guy” or by their accomplishments, Mr. CalTech, but no one refers to them by their race. Well, by now the moment has passed; you didn’t speak up because you weren’t ready and didn’t know how to respond. Next time you’ll be ready. So what do you say next time?

1. Don’t make it weird, bro. She has a name

2. Say nothing in the moment but later on tell your girlfriend what happened. If she doesn’t laugh it off, tell her she’s being uptight

3. Tell him that your girlfriend isn’t Asian, her parents are—she’s American

4. Laugh and make an dirty joke because you are dating the hot Asian girl

5. Say nothing. Don’t ruin the group dynamic or you’ll be stuck paddling roadside by yourself forever

10. Respecting each other’s decisions 

You’re at an undisclosed location preparing to do a stowed jump off a 400-ft local radio tower (for legal purposes, this never happened), when your partner decides she doesn’t want to go through with the BASE jump. The winds are perfect, no cars in sight on the main road, and the field below is quiet, but she is trusting her gut and her gut is telling her “no.” The other bros in the group are grumbling. Your partner has less than a hundred jumps, and you’ve always talked (in private) about the importance of respecting each other’s decisions in this life-or-death, zero margin of error sport. Then again, you don’t want the guys to talk shit later on, or worse—stop inviting you. Now you’re thinking about your best friend who told you multiple times that it was unsafe and unethical to mentor your significant other. But you brush away the thought. What does he know? Plus how many other interracial BASE jumping couples are there on TikTok? Probably none!

It’s decision time. Do you:

1. Pressure her to jump, you’re worried about her climbing down alone, after all

2. Pressure her to jump; she’s making you look bad in front of the guys!

3. Offer to do a pilot chute assist. Sure, she said ”no,” but what she really needs is a solution that will allow you both to jump

4. Climb down with her since you’re worried about her descending safely

5. Tell her to climb down (by herself) but ask her to stay and video your exit first

11. Are you lost?

Your partner is a much stronger climber than you. However, you’ve noticed that when you’re at the crag, people always approach you to ask for beta. Or they ask you if you’re her coach. Or they make small talk with you about gear and technical stuff. They sometimes talk to your partner but mostly to ask where she’s from, what is she mixed with, what is she doing here, is she lost, does she need help, etc. Occasionally climbers will try to hit on her or invite her to take a introductory climbing class at the local gym. You and your partner laugh about this in private but you can tell that it really bothers her. Whenever you leave to use the pit toilet or to grab items from the car, the questions get more aggressive. It’s gotten to the point where she doesn’t like being left alone at the crag. Do you:

1. Tell her she’s being dramatic and needs to relax 

2. Listen to her concerns 

3. Tell her that people also ask you where you’re from and you just say Kansas. What’s the big deal?

4. Explain that she’s overreacting and you can’t possibly stay with her all the time

5. Remind her that you’re Irish and the Irish are oppressed too.

Conclusion

Hopefully you passed with flying colors. If the right answer was obvious to you in every situation, great! If not, I hope this gave you something to think about.

It’s important to realize that dating a person of color is not the same as dating another white person. Pretending to not see color is choosing to harm your partner. It is also choosing to ignore the ways that they are harmed by living in a white supremacist society. If you won’t even admit as much, you’ve certainly wasted your time reading this.

The truth is we experience the world differently than you. We are treated differently than you. We don’t just face racism, we face racial discrimination that is tied to our other marginalized identities (e.g. - as women, or as non-binary, or first-gen, or disabled people). You may never fully understand but you can work harder at empathizing.

Don’t just assume that because you had a great time at an event, or on the trail, that your partner’s experience mirrored yours. Ask questions and work on becoming more aware of your own privilege that shields you from the covert and overt forms of discrimination that your partner faces daily. Listen to your partner, although they may not always be willing to tell you—especially if you’ve reacted defensively in the past. Believe your partner, because how they’re treated around you is different than how they’re treated when they’re alone.

Paying attention to the types of discrimination your significant other faces will make you a better partner. Listening to them and believing them will also help—even if you’ve never experienced what they’re referring to. Of course you haven’t. Whiteness offers layers upon layers of privilege. Even if you’re disabled you will never fully understand what it’s like to go through the world in a racialized, disabled body; even if you are also non-binary, you will never fully understand what it’s like to experience life in a racialized gender-non conforming body. So your job is to listen and to believe your partner and to support them.

Lastly, being sexually or romantically attracted to a Person of Color doesn’t automatically make you a good person or a good partner—it doesn’t even make you anti-racist. The BLM in your Tinder profile or on your lawn doesn’t make you anti-racist. So please don’t make it your entire personality. You actually have to do the work.

Dating a Person of Color means committing yourself to acknowledging your own privilege and deconstructing your own whiteness. If you’re not willing to do that much, please leave People of Color the hell alone. It also means confronting the racial bias that is the very lens through which you view the world. That takes time; that becomes a daily practice of unlearning; that does not happen overnight. If you are unwilling to do this, please do not date us.

The good news is we’re doing the same. We are also unlearning the racism we have internalized since childhood. We are deconstructing our own colorism, casteism, ableism, queerphobia and much more that is the result of living under a white supremacist society. This is also a daily practice.

So get out there! Love who you want to love! But please remember that loving a Person of Color means acknowledging your own whiteness in addition to acknowledging your partner’s racial identity. It means putting your ego aside and committing yourself to dismantling white supremacy in your home, in your friend groups and social circles and outdoor community. Thanks for reading.